Tuesday, July 30, 2002

One must creep before one can walk. Such were the words of a wise old friend/advisor-to-the-throne. Hmm said I. That's precisely my problem. I have tried walking before I knew how, and fell flat on my face. Now that I'm tryin to learn how, everybody walking! Or trying to. Does this make sense?!?

Funny, cuz simbolic as all that is, that's precisely what happened to me when I was about 7 or so while living in Switzerland. Swore blind I could ride a bicycle without training wheels, so I made Daddy remove them long before I was ready. For a week or so I did just fine, managing to balance by swaying the bike from side to side. Well, one day I swayed a bit too dangerously and there was the brick ground rushing up to greet me. Then there was a woman screaming... then I was in my apartment... then I was seeing blood everywhere... then I was back home from hospital (don't remember going there AT ALL) drinking my dinner out of a straw because I had completely f***ed my face. I broke one front tooth into my lip and split the other in half (I en know HOW), and had a million stiches and all kinda ting. My adult teeth grew back seemingly fine until last year when dentist was like, erm, you bump your tooth? No, why? Cuz the nerves are dead and you're going to have an abssess (whatever the hell that is). So I have had to pay a frikkin lot to have it removed, and an implant and a crown. nice, huh? I still have the stiches from the implant which, by the way, hurt like a bitch.

Moral of story: always creep before you walk. Don't remove those training wheels until you're ready.

*The Princess has spoken*
posted by Tanisha Cross at 10:24 PM Comments []

So I won't be dancing in the tent tonight then. Gillo has decided he will use his original 3 Proper Pork girls. Guess my pork isn't proper enough for him... I'm kinda disappointed because I really want the performing to calypso scandalous-style practice. It's good for my dance career! If ever it turns into that... *sigh*

Everything happens for a reason. I need to remember that.

I need to not start feeling sad again. You know when you just don't feel appreciated enough? Like if there was just something you could do to prove yourself... But if I feel I need to prove myself, then maybe it isn't worth it after all...?

I'm not necessarily talking about my dancing here. Nor my love life, family life, social life... I'm just being random and general. I'm at work, and it's cold as rangate. I guess I'm kinda bored. O well.

*The Princess must return to her duties*
posted by Tanisha Cross at 5:53 PM Comments []

I am exhausted. Been rehearsing all last week like a madwoman for East Coast. And still manage to get my behind to Baje on Friday. Which I prolly shouldn't have done, cuz that mash me up. Baje was very interesting. I learned some things man. About myself and others around me. I couldn't believe the amount of posing that was going on tho! What is up with going to a band fete and stylin an posin. Whatever happened to dancing yourself silly?!? I wanted to do just that, but my body was not pleased about it, so I wouldn't have been able to keep up anyway. But still, that whole leme just style right here an watch everyone else an what they're wearing KILLS the atmosphere. So all in all it wasn't a most brilliant night. I had a blast tho, runnning up and down, wuk up here, wuk up there (I think I've found my wuk-upery again)

East Coast now, after all the mega-stress of running around after artists who don't even wanna pay you properly, I was BLAM. And the Mr. Gillo playing he showin us little scraps of silver fabric that we're supposedly going to dance in. I was like WHAT? The flimsy thing could barely cover both breasts standing still - when I stepped, flop, everthin fell out. And not to mention the ass-covering. I was like, erm, yeah doh. I will not have this thing all up in my stuff when we dancing. Shoot. I was not impressed. AS a result of feeling uncomfortable in the piece of crap, I didn't think my performance went well at all. I know I can do sooo much better. I wasn't Mrs. Woodvine's Best Jazz dancer silver medal winner of 1999 for no reason! Dammit!I received some active criticism today that I practically had to beg for. I hate it when people avoid a question or don't tell you exactly what they think for fear of being the one who said something bad. I react very well to criticism, I get mad, and that makes me move my ass. So when I was told that my moves are too small I was like WHAT?!? Nah doh. You waan see big?!? I'll give you big. Dammit. Maybe it's been a while since I've been dancing professionally, but it's there somewhere... Watch out.

Here I come Virgin Atlantic tent, Glow and Cohobblopot!

*The Princess shakes her booty*
posted by Tanisha Cross at 2:33 AM Comments []

Friday, July 26, 2002

Another thing I realise: I am so incredibly selfish sometimes. I want it all I want it all now about sums it up. Why is that? Maybe because I've never had it like that, and since in past experiences I have not had it all and been unbelieveably unhappy I figure happiness comes from having lo todo. All in my subconscious of course. Man I've got issues to deal with.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not spoilt: I believe in give and take. You scratch my back, I scratch your back. But my back is just never scratched quite enough...

*The Princess still looking for crowbar and a therapist*
posted by Tanisha Cross at 4:30 AM Comments []

The Princess is now faced with a new challenge. How to get what you want. My major problem lately has been tryin to decide what I want out of certain areas of my life and being totally unable to figure it out. But I have learned something tonight. Not necessarily something new and Earth-shattering, but something I normally just dismiss.

When you can't proceed because you don't know exactly what you're striving for, LET GO of what's holding you back, the things you don't want/need. Why can't I just let go? I'm holding on for dear life without realising that life goes on without what I'm holding on to.

*The Princess looks for a crowbar*
posted by Tanisha Cross at 4:20 AM Comments []

Monday, July 22, 2002

I must be getting old man. Wet Fete took a lot outta me den! I didn't even dance so much, cuz it took so long to get back that wuk up vibe back. I swore for a minute I'd forgotten how to do it. I was fairly scared. It was interesting though. Cindi bought my ticket as a birthday present, so I didn't actually spend very much money. Saw nuff people I recognised, but whose names I couldn't remember (old age?). There was nuff dibbiness. That was also fairly scary... all the thongs and boobs hanging out and razor bumps and cellulite an stretch marks. I mean, be proud of yourselves people, take pride in what was given you, but we just don't need to see it ALL. If you know what I mean. I know my own cuerpo is far from perfect, but well, perfect is boring. Being with a perfect bodied one is like being with a toy rather than a human being. You need folds and softness to complement the hard leaness. Or however you prefer it. Whatever rocks one's boat.

Wukkin up just isn't the same without a significant other. Especially if you've been out of the groove for a looong time. Someone nice and special to get you back on track. *sigh* I was either on my own, or with some sweaty dude who was my friends' friend but I had no clue about cuz I just needed to remember what it's like dancing in this fashion.... It's quite funny that we willingly grind on each other in very suggestive manners with people who will not care about what's your name, where are you from, can I get your digits? I was just rubbin my stuff against your ass, but u know, whatever! See ya later. Or not. Whatever. Where's my special someone?!? Real real far from me... Leme stop right there....

Anyway, I am now completely shattered. Imagine. What's gonna happen next weekend? I better gets a movin an do some stamina-enhancing-type workout. Fuh real.

*The Princess is off to her quarters. Alone...*
posted by Tanisha Cross at 3:15 AM Comments []

Thursday, July 18, 2002

Hellooooo Matt Damon! Nice start to my venturing out the house sans parents. First time I left the house without them since I been home. Can you imagine? Went cinema and so oh-so-sexy Matt Damon hurtin up a mini and willingly fall down stairwells. And other things my imagination conjured... Hahahaha! He's just lovely.

Ah. So anyway, back to the real world. It's definately cool to be driving again, going places at my own pace and all that. Except for the beggin ma and pa for the coche. That sux. I feel like I'm 12 when I have to 'ask permission'. I think that people who spend most of their time living on their own off their own rules should NOT move back on with their parents. Baaaaaad idea. Much as I love them, they will just never see me as anything as their innocent little girl, and well, I ain't so little, girlie, nor innocent anymore. Sorry. Almost-all-grown corrupted woman on the loose! Bwahahahaha!

Look out, I says.


posted by Tanisha Cross at 2:18 AM Comments []

Monday, July 15, 2002

well im back in good ol bim. my birthday's tomorrow, but i have no idea what to do. im completely broke, can't get no job which means i en jumpin for crop over this year. dammit. looks like a quiet summer. with some interestin personal dramas...

i need some money. i feel frustrated and exasperated. and bored out of my skull on top of it. i need. i will figure out soon enough what i need.

it aint easy livin under ur parents roof again after 10 months completely alone. i just hope i dont do any snapping......

*the princess is controlling herself quite well thus far*
posted by Tanisha Cross at 12:15 AM Comments []

Thursday, July 11, 2002

too much shopping! i hate going to a place only for shopping man, it sucks. u end up running around looking in shops all freakin day long and can't enjoy yourself.... i mean i love shopping, but when that's your main goal in going somewhere... forget it! and then u feel miserable when u can't find what you want. although this time round, i found everything i wanted, which is always a good feeling. but man. now im broke and tired. with nuff new stuff that i needed... and considering how i was to the point where i was shame of some of my clothes (like the jeans with the hole in the butt - no ass jokes, hear?! still wear them, but it's sad...) it's all good.

well whatever. who cares. mi pobre corazon esta completamente confundido. i'm really scared of what the future holds for me right now. i really need to figure out what i want for my future. like, where on earth am i gonna live? europe? caribbean? the states? hmm... everywhere has their ups and downs....

ok, i need some rest, my brain feels fried. i worry too much.

*the princess needs a hug*
posted by Tanisha Cross at 8:57 PM Comments []

Sunday, July 07, 2002

Byebye Spain! i miss it.... wanna go back.... =(

but i need to be seein bim again man. im in NY now, chillin, visitin family, eatin nuff. good ole jamaican cookin. ah boy.

ill be home on friday. not sure what i wanna do when i get back. been contemplating having a 21st b'day party, but im not sure i can be bothered. id have it the followin weekend or sumthin... but with crop over an all, is that a good idea? i might just go dinner with the family and go PARTAY for the rest of the night an mornin. or maybe ill go sleep.... hahaha. i did enough partyin in madrid for a looooong time. it was da bomb. and i did some crazy sh*t! hahaha. ive always wanted to do it, and now its done and im well pleased with myself. an i aint gonna say what it is.... heehee. no its not another piercing. ill do that next year prolly. keep on a guessin!

im seriously gonna miss some people in spain. *sigh*

maybe thats where my ass whats to stay... ill have to ask. an no more ass-size comments before i kick yall's! dammit.

*the princess has spoken*
posted by Tanisha Cross at 4:37 PM Comments []

Monday, July 01, 2002

Been a while now since I came online. Kinda busy and very sad to be leaving Spain. Actually, I managed to change my ticket to stay here a couple more days, but I kinda wish I could stay all summer now. I´m gonna miss it. I tell you man, I´m so sick of travellin and moving and changing all the freakin time. I need to keep my ass still!

Problem is I don´t have a clue where my ass wants to stay nor what it wants to do...

*The Princess must go have a meeting with her indecisive ass*
posted by Tanisha Cross at 4:07 PM Comments []